This repair process creates a massive amount of safety, trust, and magic to develop in your relationship and can be done in 10-15 minutes.

Step 1: Set the container. Feel into your current relationship and notice if there are any hurts that got swept under the rug or resentments that may have built up. You might say to your partner, “My love, I can feel that there is something in your heart that needs to be acknowledged or cleared. Let’s take a few minutes after dinner to clear it so you feel heard.”

Step 2: As the one holding the container (the listening partner), ask your partner to share their experience. You might say, “Please take a couple minutes to share what happened.” For the sharing partner, it is extremely helpful to this structure: “When you did _______ or said _______, I thought _______, I felt _______, and I wanted to _______.” When the sharing partner completes this sentence step, continue to Step 3.

Step 3: As the listening partner, share what you heard. A good structure to use is, “When I did _______, you thought _______, you felt _______, and you wanted to _______.” You will end by asking, “Did I get that?” If the sharing partner says that you got it, continue to Step 4. Otherwise, go back to Step 2.

Step 4: Listening partner, your next job is bring empathy and own where your partner is right. “You’re right. That was unconscious of me. I can see how that could have hurt your feelings. I can see how I could have done that better.” After sharing empathy, check in again by saying, “Did I miss anything?” Or, “Is there anything else you wanted me to acknowledge?” Then allow your partner to share. Continue offering empathy until your partner is complete. Then move to Step 5.

Step 5: The listening partner will ask, “Is there anything else you need from me moving forward?” They might say something like, “Yes, I would need you to keep your word or let me know if you are going to be late.” If it feels true for you, as the listening partner, you would say something like, “It makes sense that you want that and I would like to support you by doing _______.”

Step 6: Offer gratitude and/or praise for your partner and/or your relationship.